I Wonder

So, today out of no where I started thinking about my biological mother. I guess with all of these pregnancy hormones I am just a bit sensitive. I am completely baffled as to how a mother just decides one day that she no longer wants her three daughters. How does a mother just walk out of her children's lives when they are so young and yet through all the years only makes petty attempts to see them? Here I am 24 yrs old. A mother to two with one on the way. Never could I look at my children with the thought of abandonment crossing my mind. How could I live with out my children? I couldn't. They are my life, just the thought of being without any one of them way make my life not worth living. What does a mother think when she is looking at her own flesh and blood knowing that she is leaving her children lives forever? Does she think its for the better? And after 19 years what is her excuse for only visiting her babies at a max of 5 times? I guess you can say that I am bitter towards her. For her to leave her babies, and go off and raise another mans children just makes no sense to me. So now I am married, have children, run my own business, and own my own home and my (mother) has no idea of any of this. I have lived with this on my mind everyday. I do not hate my (mother). I feel sorry for her that she choose to live her life without her daughters. I do feel like a piece of me is missing though. However that is something that gets easier and easier to deal with every passing day. Through all of this I found the greatest mother of all. My paternal grandmother. She is my hero. A woman  like her rarely sees to exist. To raise 5 of her own children then to take in three grandchildren is amazing. Though I had to live through tears and heartbreak in the end I found love. Love of a real mother and the love of a child.